Guilt

“When I go
You will be someone new,
You will see the stars come out,
You won’t feel the pain I’ve caused at all.

‘Cause someday
I must face up someday
You’ll be better off on your own,
So just let me go.

Under the bridge
I’ll carry this guilt
No more.
So under the waves
And out of your way
I’ll go.

When I’m gone
You will find someone new
And he won’t lie or torture you,
And you won’t cry for what you’ve lost at all.

And someday
When you wake up happy
You will thank the Lord that I’m gone,
So darling, be strong.

I’m under the bridge,
I’ll bury this guilt
Forevermore.
So under the waves
And out of your way
I’ll go.”

[ Guilt – Hurts ]

Honestly, the idea for this photo is so old I don’t even remember when exactly I first got it. It may have been as soon as I listened to the song for the first time, really, which would make it ten – ten! – years old.

I know for a fact, though, that I already had it by mid-2015, because I happened to visit Sagrado, a small town not far from Trieste, and when I saw its old, steel bridge across the Isonzo river, I was in complete awe of it and thought it would be the perfect location to shoot that photo. Which means the idea was already formed. And since it hasn’t changed at all since then (almost, we’ll get to that later), it means it’s was already quite finalised even then.

The problem is, if Stay has taught us anything is that specific locations mean you have to rain-cheque that idea and wait for the right chance. While Sagrado can be reached by train from Trieste, and the bridge is within walking distance from the station, the logistics were still a bit of a nightmare. You see, I needed someone to help me shoot it if I were to take a self-portrait, since setting the camera on a tripod and leave it unsupervised on a pebbly river bank was out of the question, not to mention making sure I was in frame and everything. And those were the years where I was quietly but steadily made to feel like my photographic ideas were becoming a burden to certain people close to me, so I wasn’t comfortable pressuring anyone to take a trip to help me.
True, come 2016, I did have some hypotetical talks with my friend Giulia (who eventually helped me on Wonderful Life), and while she would have been glad to come along and assist me, fitting everything in our schedules wasn’t exactly easy. So another three years passed without me really pushing the matter, and then the early Twenties happened, with all the delays and roadblocks they brought along while I was stuck in Sardinia till mid-2022.

Cue Marko and me becoming flatmates. We made several trips to Ikea to buy some stuff for home, and to go there from Trieste we not only had to pass through Sagrado, but actually cross that very bridge. Which obviously reignited my interest in the project.

And while I had initially envisioned Guilt as a self-portrait, there was really no reason at all why it had to be. I might as well have Marko model for me while I chilled behind the camera, cutting the overall work by a good two thirds. He agreed and, while going to Ikea again, we inspected the river bank to see where we could best find access to the shore underneath the bridge, and as soon as we were both on holidays I checked the weather for cloud cover and we went there to shoot.

Now, aside from the photo going from a self-potrait to one of another model, the only major change in the overall idea is that, for whatever reason, I was expecting to shoot facing upstream on the left bank of the river, whereas we found out the right bank was more accessible so we shot facing downstream. But that didn’t really impact the aesthetics or composition at all.

The original idea was always a monochromatic piece with murky sky, the bridge prominent on the background (because it’s the most strikingly visual part of the lyrics), with a perspective that would make it stand tall above the model, who would be wearing a long coat and walking away from it. Simple, yet effective.

To be honest, though, I think part of the reason why I felt the need to take a break this year was that I couldn’t bring myself to choose one take to work on, let alone go through with editig it. Perhaps I was afraid that the photo wouldn’t live up to a decade of expectations. Which it did: save from the change in model, it’s literally plucked out of my mind from 2013. But much like Pallas, perhaps it needed a bit of mental distance for me to get over myself and truly appreciate my work here.

So there we go: one of my favourite Hurts song turned into a photo I really like, after I nurtured this idea for a long time. It feels rewarding to finally put it out here.

Pallas

Pallas, the planet of wisdom, creative intelligence, logic, diplomacy and social justice.

The second of the Asteroids, it represents the practical application of intelligence, as well as a creative approch to problem-solving, mediation in a conflict, and the bridge between logical thinking and intuition. It also cautions against uncompromising, absolutist points of view and intellectual presumptuosity.

As an Asteroid discovered in modern times, it does not rule over any Sign, nor does it have a fixed point of exaltation, fall or detriment.

Its glyph represents Pallas Athena’s spear, and may be taken as meaning Spirit presiding over Matter.

That’s right, my pretties, we're not stopping at the “mainstream” planets: we’re including the asteroids too! They’re comparatively obscure in astrology, but some astrologers do include them and, in my opinion, they add  some intersting symbolism which complements that of the “main” planets on the birth chart.

But first, a little history lesson: scientifically, Ceres, Pallas, Juno and Vesta were all, at some point, considered proper planets. Upon discovery, they were classified as such, and made the list alongside Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, and fellow newcomer Uranus for over half a century. When more similar bodies started popping up in droves, astronomers decided a reclassification was in order, and the term “asteroid”, which had existed in parallel to designate them (because they were too tiny for 18th Century telescopes to resolve their discs, thus they appeared as “star-like”), was adopted to designate them instead.

This is a testament to just how fluid the term “planet” has historically been, initially including the Sun and the Moon, and even the “Medicean Planets”, aka the four major moons of Jupiter, as Galileo originally called them. Which basically means that yes, Pluto apologists, it’s time to build a bridge and get over it: it's not a planet anymore, but it's still awesome.

Of course, astrology not being a science means it can straight up ignore scientific nomenclature (hence why I find it absurd that astrologers have been debating the Pluto situation too)… as it has been for centuries! I mean, not only does it still include the Luminaries among the planets, but it’s still geocentric in its essence, for crying out loud. So I’ll just be calling the four main Asteroids and Chiron “Planets” in my posts, since they act as such on one’s birth chart.

 

That said, the time stamp on the draft for this post dates back to the 5th of April… and now it’s late September. That's because I took the photo all the way back in March, started editing it, and… left it there. Just like that. It’s partly because I had unnecessarily complicated my life on the spear tip (which I resolved in five minutes square when I rerally got down to it), but mostly because I think I just needed a break from photography in general. After Pallas, I shot nothing and edited nothing for a few months, focussing on creative writing instead, until I felt ready to pick up the camera again.

I should have probably seen that coming, as the shoot itself didn’t go as smooth as others tend to do: I kept shooting take after take after take, trying different set ups, different poses, different anythings, waiting for the Sun to set a bit so the light would change, never quite satisfied with the result. And then I ended up using one of the first takes, right after the warm up shoots, because it was just what I had envisioned. It could have been a five minute shoot, but I didn’t trust myself enough to bring it home and be happy with it.

So yeah, I definitely did need a pause in general, and also from this project specifically, to gain enough clarity to pick it back up with the enthusiasm it deserved.

 

One thing I did not struggle with was pre-production: I built Pallas’ symbolism around the concept of wisdom and practicality, and also envisioned him as a bridge between Mercury and Mars (which I have already conceptualised), acting both as a complement and foil to them. Where Mercury holds a smartphone, a source of raw information, Pallas has a book, which codifies it into wisdom. He also keeps his spear behind himself, as a backup for his plans, whereas Mars will keep it in front because he’s the one who tends to charge first and think never.

I also decided from the start to style Pallas with layers: a leather jacket (leather being often used for armour) on top of a white, soft shirt or t-shirt to represent Pallas’ duality as a tough warrior but also a wise craftswoman.

I luckily had a very nice-looking brass curtain pole I knew I could use for the spear, which I had to carry to and from the location by bus, but you know me, at this point I’m completely out of fucks to give what anybody thinks when I’m out to take photos. Had it not been for my little artistic block, that would have been the only challenge (a piece of cake compared to Saturn’s scythe).

As for the final touches, cyan is the main colour as a nod to Sailor Pallas. Sailor Moon fans who only grew up with the 90s anime might be confused here, but in the manga Palla Palla from the Dead Moon Circus was actually a brainwashed future Sailor Pallas, the Asteroid Senshi being Chibiusa’s own future guardians. So that theme colour will stick for the other three Asteroids as well.

On a more personal level, I find it interesting that, like it or not, I end up learning from what each planet represents when working on this series. If Saturn taught me perseverance in the face of obstacles, and Jupiter inspired me with optimism against overthinking, Pallas gave me the wisdom to acknowledge I needed a break and allow myself to take it. If I want to respect my craft, I can’t just force it.

And now that I let the fire reignite, I have enough enthusiasm to see if I can tackle a couple more photos from this series.

The next one is actually already shot and only needs editing (you’re gonna see an old, familiar face, but if you’ve been following me on Instagram you already know who), so it won’t take long. As for further works, it’s best just not to promise anything timelinewise, but I'll keep an eye open for the possibilities.