Rosiel: development and symbolysm

Credits:

Photo, concept, manipulation, frame design, styling: GothicNarcissus
Model, hair: Edoardo Marreu
Additional resources: Myruso (wallpaper)

Oh boy, Rosiel. Everyone familiar with Kaori Yuki’s work (and their sisters too) know this name: the infamous Inorganic Angel whose insanity and obsessive love for his twin sister Alexiel set in motion most of the events in Angel Sanctuary. A most charming psychopath, but also a tragic figure with a tormented background, he is definitely one of my favourite characters from the manga, if not the favourite character. Oh, and I ship the Hell out of Rosiel x Katan.

Rosiel from Kaori Yuki’s Angel Sanctuary.

The story of how a character with the same name ended up in my project is pretty simple: Kaori herself mentioned in the side notes of her manga that she found out there was a Fallen Angel called Rosier in the popular lore. And there he was indeed, mentioned in A Dictionary Of Angels by Gustav Davidson, who cites Sebastien Michaelis’ Admirable History of the Possession and Conversion of a Penitent Woman as the source. His description is pretty specific: he is the former number two of Dominion, resides in Hell and is the Demon Patron of tainted love and seduction. Whoa: so much information about a Demon was not to be overlooked. Besides, as Marina Diamandis says, “L.O.V.E. = E.V.O.L. – love is evil”, there needed to be a Demon of Love. I also really love the name – and here we’ve got a side note: the R and L sounds are the same in Japanese, so in the manga Rosier and Rosiel are phonetically and graphically the same word. It is interesting to note that the official lore says that Fallen Angels often change their name from -el to -er after their Fall, so technically both are viable anyway. I ultimately decided to go with the latter to keep it consistent with others from my series (like Furcifel, Azazel or Mephistophel), but mostly because I was fond of Kaori Yuki’s character and I wanted to pay a tribute to him.
The similarities end here, though: I have such a degree of respect for this character and its importance in the Angel Sanctuary plot that from the very beginning I decided to do a completely different rendition more closely based on the original lore. No electric wires, no flowy perwinkle hair, no insanity – just the Demon of Tainted Love and an Incubus (the female version of the Succubus). And also the Demon in charge of the power of Uranus because I like lame puns.

An early concept draft of Rosiel.

Now, according to the file information, the concept sketch above is dated 19th March 2011: that’s at least just how old the idea for this Demon is. Back then I was discussing it with a fellow Angel Sanctuary’s Rosiel fan and dear friend of mine, with whom we decided to do the shoot: that’s the actual sketch I did on Windows Live Messenger to show him the pose I had in mind. Most of the styling and the actual concept came up that night, including leather trousers and posing bare-chested with red ribbons, which simbolise love and sexual tension – also a nod to Japanese folklore that depicts love as a red thread binding the little fingers of two lovers.
It seemed a rather easy photo to take considering the casting went so smoothly, except the shoot kept being postponed over and over. Because there was no time, because there was no place, because my firend’s hair wasn’t long enough or the colour wasn’t right, because he was busy, because he didn’t feel like doing it, and on and on we went. I even mentioned in my 2013 FAQs on deviantART that the work on the series had slowed down because I needed to pressure a couple of friends into organising the shoots, but 2014 went by with me asking without any sign that the thing would be done and then there came 2015, my most artistically frustrating year to date, in which I was generally little productive.
Now, I tried to write to my friend a few times hoping an Infernal Lord would shake me from my block, but both he and I are difficult people who often need some alone time, which resulted in a general lack of communication all through the year. Either we didn’t go further than pleasentry and he disappeared before I could bring up the subject, or he didn’t reply at all even on unrelated matters, stalling the work completely. I grew more and more frustrated with the situation until, after the Mesmerism debacle, I decided that I was having no more shit from anyone at all so screw him, it was high time for a recast. All things considered I didn’t even bother telling him, but after five years I doubt he’ll notice or care anyway: I did more than a fair share of attempts to shoot with him, if he did care he might as well have brought up the subject himself at least once.
As usual, I came across Edoardo through social media rather than modelling platforms. I had the thought he would fit the role ever since, but he was blonde at the time: that would have made him too similar to Furcifel and clashed a bit with the colour scheme, so I wasn’t really sure and didn’t ask him immediately. Then last month he went brown and I had no more doubts: I wrote to him, he immediately liked the project and the idea, we scheduled a day for the shoot and everything was done in, like, fifteen minutes, fine and dandy. Despite his worrying that he wouldn’t do a good job due to lack of modelling experience, after I styled and directed him he got so much into the character that he immediately managed to get the languid, relaxed pose and the alluring, mischievous expression we needed. At long last, Rosiel was done, he was fabulous and I have absolutely no regrets about the recast.
Not being in The Lesser Key Of Solomon, Rosiel lacks a seal of his own. I chose one version the Seal of Beleth because it has heart-shaped motives in it. Seriously, that’s it. Also, I initially planned to blend it behind one of the red ribbons, but while I was editing I changed my mind because I wanted those hearts to freaking show – that and I loved the challenge of blending it onto the shoulder.
The theme colour, perwinkle, is a direct tribute to Kaori Yuki, as it is the colour of her Rosiel’s hair in most official illustrations. My friend and I had originally agreed to use a PJ Harvey song but what can I say, last year Susanne Sundfør came out with her masterpiece, Ten Love Songs, from which I chose Darlings (after a tough fight with Slowly) to best represent the idea I had for this Demon.

So here we are, twenty-eight down and two to go. Lucifer is going to be the very last work from the series and meanwhile I’m trying to settle things to recast the last of the Seven Satans. The approaching end of the Infernal Lords series honestly scares me, but I already have a new magnum opus in the cards afterwards, so I hope that will push me to complete it. Let’s see how things turn out next month.

Feather

“Dust my feathers.
I’m shaking on the floor, but I want to fly.
Hoping that it will get better, yeah.
The television teases paradise.

Get up, get up, get up, feather.
Get up, get up, get up, feather.
Get up, get up, get up, feather.
Get up, get up, get up, feather.

Words taste bitter;
Frozen every time I see a pair of eyes.
Momma, can I sleep forever?
Wake me when the birds light up the sky.

Get up, get up, get up, feather.
Get up, get up, get up, feather.
Get up, get up, get up, feather,
Be free.

Now I’m flying and everything feels so free.
Take me higher, take me.
Now I’m flying and with these broken wings
Take me higher, be free.

Dust my feathers.
I’m praying on my knees ‘cause I want to fly.
Daddy, can you change the weather, yeah?
Show me when the raindrops turn to life.

Get up, get up, get up, feather.
Get up, get up, get up, feather.
Get up, get up, get up, feather,
Be free.

Now I’m flying and everything feels so free.
Take me higher, take me.
Now I’m flying and with these broken wings
Take me higher, be free.”

[ Feather – Meg Myers ]

I really don’t like discussing it because I don’t want to sound like I’m fishing for pity or attention, but I have depression and anxiety problems. Not as in a hyperbole for feeling blue or worried, but in a serious, therapy-needing way. Not only am I finding it difficult to have social interactions or even doing everyday activities like grocery shopping, cooking or studying, but last year I reached the point when it affected my artistic production as well, which had always been my catharsis and the place I found my strength in. One single, silly incident with a pretentious ass totally threw me off track and froze me on my feet, and no amount of positive feedback I was receiving on actually paid works from commissioners seemed to wipe away the feeling I was a total failure and people were only being condescending with me. It sucks, trust me. Now, I know this is a long, difficult path and it will take much more than a few therapy sessions and a haircut to recover fully, but I’m trying to get myself together and stay as positive as I can. At least, I’m getting back one of the things that bring me most joy and at which I’m decent, namely photography. You have no idea how better I feel after I’ve shot, or while I’m editing the photos, and after I closed the Mesmerism drama for good (the model wrote me to publish one of the photos and I politely told her I have no use for her and she could just fuck off) I’ve started to feel the inspiration flowing back.

This is the context in which I’ve been listening to Meg Myers’ beautiful song, Feather. It’s a sad, sad song, but there’s something hopeful about it which resonates with me. I don’t know if Meg intended for it to be about battling depression, but I see a lot of myself in it. Such lines as “I’m shaking on the floor but I want to fly”, “Hoping that it will get better”, “I’m frozen every time I see a pair of eyes” or “Momma, can I sleep forever?” perfectly describe how I feel many, many times. I’ve grown so attached to this song than there it was, the first image of the series, perfectly pictured in my mind. The more I listened to it, the more every verse spoke to me and gave me images, until I opened the notepad on my computer and wrote down every idea I had. This is how the concept for this series came to be.

As you can probably see, I broke down the song verse by verse and depicted each one with a photo or a composition. Both on deviantART and Facebook I wrote which part applies to each image making a slow progression from lying helpless on the ground to getting up, to letting go of grief and numbness (the black veil) and dancing in the wind. To emphasise the progressive change, I timed each photo to have a slightly different light in it, so we go from mostly blue hues to having some golden light, to a predominance of warmer tones, as if the sun were slowly rising and brightening the scene. The red shirt provides a visual thread that unites the images, as does the white frame, which allowed me to assemble some images as in a magazine.

The necklace I wear was handcrafted a few years ago by my friend Karina Novak especially for me. She often asked me why I never wore it in my photos and I told her I was saving it for something special. Well, that something special has finally come, and given the title and the metaphor in the song it fit perfectly with these photos.

Here is a little side note: before I told the Minus Habens off, she accused me of wasting her precious work as the “art director” of our shooting. Well, darling, let me explain a couple of thing about art direction: it does not mean you just tell me “I want to copy a certain photo” and leave it up to me, it means what I did here. While I shot most of the landscapes and non-portrait details, my portraits were taken by my mother, DamaInNero, under my close direction. I had a very precise idea about what I wanted the photos to look like so not only did I choose the location and the styling, but I told my mom from which angle to shoot, how close to get, on which details to focus, where to stand so the light grazed the scene the way I wanted, what I did and did not want in the background, beside having a definite idea of which poses I needed. She only adjusted the details that were out of my control (such as suggesting me to change the pose a bit so it would look better, wouldn’t make nasty shadows or cover elements in the background) but I didn’t leave it up to her to develop a vague input I gave her. It was a very satisfying experience for both of us and the final result was exactly what I had pictured in my head.

As for me, after spending some awful months at the first and second photos, I think I am currently at photo III with my life. I don’t quite have the strength I need to fly yet, but at least I’m trying to react. I hope I haven’t saddened you (I talked about all of this just to let you understand how personal and significative these images are to me) and I really want to thank each and every one of you, who support my work and give me motivation to keep up the one thing that makes me feel stronger and good with myself. Thank you all, truly.

Astaroth reloaded

Those of you who have followed The Infernal Lords from the beginning may have noticed that I have gone back and fixed many of them all though the duration of the project as soon as my postproduction skills allowed it. The most noticeable editing was that of Legion, with a complete remake of the spirits in the bottom, and the embellishment of Mammon’s wings. But I also changed the wings of Astarte, fixed the light on Barbelo, replaced Beelzebub’s pomegranate… yeah, there’s been a lot of rework, especially on the earlier entries of the series.

Yet, I’ve always been very adverse to the idea of re-shooting a published work altogether. True, I re-shot Decarabia and Leonard because the first takes were absolute failures, but I didn’t publish the photos until after I shot and postproduced the second take, so it doesn’t really count: there’s only one final version of both works. The furthest I’d gone was to discard Sandalphon from the series altogether and replace it with a brand new work, Naamah, which is again very different.

And now, in spite of it all, here I am with an all new updated version of Astaroth which is actually a re-shooting done six years later. I can never keep a resolution, can I?

Now, let’s be clear: I love the old version of Astaroth and it’s basically the one photo that got me here, that turned GothicNarcissus from a mere hobby into a very serious artistic outlet. This is why I’m not deleting it but merely moving it to the Evil In The World side-project as Young Duke Of Terror. But let’s also be honest: it’s a very naive work. It does have a spark and meaning, but it’s also very flawed. The light is off, the angle is awkward due to my use of a slight wide-angle, my hair was too short to convincingly do the messy high ponytail thing… and the make up is really overdone. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking with all that eyeliner and mascara?

Rose-coloured glasses aside, it’s not only below my current quality standard, but also that of the rest of the project. It’s sort of the odd work out, with a much closer cut on the face and a less portrait-ish feel overall. While Astaroth kick-started The Infernal Lords, what really defined the aesthetics for the series was the next work, Astarte; so the former has always felt a bit off compared to what came afterwards.

I didn’t really have a problem with that until I finalised my decision to cut my hair short. When I did, I wanted to have absolutely no regrets so I decided to try and re-shoot Astaroth, you know, just in case, without necessarily wanting to replace the old work; just to see what woud come out of it and where it would get me with postproduction. After I was done, that was it, the result really blew my mind.

Recreating a six-year-old self-portrait was a much more difficult task than I expected. It took me nearly two hours and some ninety takes to get what I wanted. I mean, recreating a photo is tough on its own, shooting a self-portrait without a remote control is difficult too, but try to do that while your cheap softbox tends to burn the lightbulbs in no time at all and is literally melting in its own heat. But deadline it was and I was adamant in trying to get the best Astaroth possible before I couldn’t anymore. I even went back to shooting after I downloaded the first bunch on my computer as none really satisfied me, and you know what they say, third time’s a charm.
As you can see, I tried to respect all my artistic choices from the original photo, from the pose to the general lighting set up, just upgraded to what I can do now. I also stayed true to the general styling, although I wore some less garrish clothes and I definitely updated the make up to something wearable. The only liberty I took was to keep on my full beard because let’s face it, it’s so much better than the goatee.
The postproduction was as tricky as the first time because blending wings in that damn pose is no piece of cake, but finally having a graphic tablet really helped the cause, especially in blending the wing behind the hair and making the feathers more… err, feathery on the edges. In the end, the result satisfied me beyond any expectations.

Now, the new version is just as much Astaroth as the old one was. No more, no less. Both works represent the character I had in mind and are equally meaningful to me. Contrary to many of my earliest photos, Young Duke Of Terror makes me smile affectionately and really warms my heart, it has that something special that will never fade away from my heart. On the other hand, the new Astaroth has the same spark but shows how much I’ve grown as a photographer and digital artist. It also has a personal meaning as it is the very last photo I shot with long hair, sort of a “full circle” or “I open at the close” thing. I have absolutely no regrets about the hair, but going back to my roots before such a big change gave it some sort of deeper meaning.
It has not been an easy decision but, considering how much The Infernal Lords mean to me, I think the series deserves a more constant overall quality, so the new version is from now on the official Astaroth from the project. But given how much the old version means to me on its own, it does not harm to have it as a companion piece.
And so, that’s it. Next thing, I’m going to write an overdue recap of my long-term projects so you can keep trac of them and know how (little) I’m progressing with The Infernal Lords. I must admit that each time I do something about it, then I go all over the place and start trying and arrange as much as I can from my place. Let’s see if I can keep momentum.

Lento Doloroso

[ Intro – Hurts ]

Okay, bear with me: back during the Happiness tour, before the gig proper started, Hurts used to play a two-minute-and-a-half intro which basically consistef of industrial-ish beats, a girl weeping and lots of strings: you can hear it, for instance, at the beginning of the Live In Berlin DVD on the deluxe edition of Happiness. As weird as it might sound, I found that two minute and a half intro very inspirational: I thought it would be cool to take a funeral-ish photo to go along with the song.
I didn’t have a very precise idea about it until a few weeks ago, when I decided to have my hair cut short: although I’ve fallen out of love with it, it’s still a big part of my life so, once I had it cut, it would be fitting to give it some funeral of sort. And here the idea for a sombre picture of me holding my severed braid in one hand and taking my hat off in mouring. I must say I’m quite pleased about how sad the photo turned out to be, fitting with the song, because to be honest I’m over the moon about my new look. Anyway, before you freak out I recommend that you read this post, in which I detailed the reasons for my choice.
There’s not much to say: it’s a quick introduction to my new look, like the song is a quick introduction for the gig: quite fitting, isn’t it?
Side note: calling a photo “Intro” seemed a bit silly, so I borrowed the tagline from the Happiness album.

GothicNarcissus changes his look

I guess it’s sort of silly to write a blog entry explaining why I decided to have my hair cut short but, considering what a great part of my artistic image it’s been, I think it might not harm to provide a bit of insight about my decision.

To put it simple: I just fell out of love with my long hair in any way you could imagine. Lately it had become like one of those exhausted relationships that drag on out of sheer habit: you’re totally dissatisfied with it but you keep wallowing in it because changes scare the hell out of you and you’re afraid you might miss the old routine. That’s unhealthy because that way you miss any opportunities that might be waiting outside. How does that translate to having long hair?

Well, on a practical, everyday-life standpoint, mantainance was a bitch. I had to plan my time according to when I would be washing it because it took a godawful amont of time to dry properly, not to mention masks, henna and whatever it took to keep it healthy. Besides, Yahweh just had to be a dick and create the universe in a prime number of days, so I just couldn’t have fixed days with a regular amount of time in-between washes, I had to improvise every week when I would be doing all the routine. I’m trying to realise how many things are making my life more difficult to live, and being nervous to go out just because my hair is a mess and I don’t have time to wash it quickly surely doesn’t help. Besides, in the last months I’ve basically never worn my hair down except specifically for some photos. In everyday life, I’ve always kept it either tied up in a ponitail or collected in a chignon in public, or messily pinned up with a hairclip when at home. Also, let’s be honest – and girls will agree: hair accessories are impractical during sex, while hair down just keeps gettin in the way. All in all, I just wanted it out of the way as much as possible, so at some point I started wondering, what’s the point in keeping it long if it’s more of an annoyance than a thing to enjoy?

From an artistic point of view, I hate stagnation and like to experiment with my look. Unfortunately, when you’re a long-haired man, there’s only a handful of possible options to have your hair tied up, which gets particularly frustrating when you’re a period look enthusiast like I am. Most of the fancy hairdos are either strictly feminine or very impractical, or have subculture-specific connotations which I don’t feel mine. Now yes, I do give a big middle finger to gender conventions and all, but I am male, I identify as such and want to look the part. I wouldn’t go out – or pose – sporting a topknot, a curtain hair, a fingerwaved faux-bob, snoods, victory rolls, beehives or stuff like that. On the other hand, short hair gives me a wide range of possibilities to explore, from the Thirties waxed style to the Fourties pompadour to basically anything. Also, short hair allows me to play around with eye make up without looking like a goth stereotype or downright a girl. Aesthetically, for the kind of works I’m aiming for, a man-in-make-up look is more interesting and compelling than an androgynous one, especially because I already have ambiguous facial features.
Finally, and more importantly, I just feel the need to change. Lady Gaga says, “I am my hair” , which is very true to me. Until this morning, my hair felt like a big burden, something that kept getting tangled and slowing me down, and I frankly don’t want to be that anymore. Right now I’m in a very cheerful mood and I feel relieved and confident. This is definitely a change that I needed and it turned out to be much more positive than I expected.

Lullaby

“Listen to the angels’ scream.
‘Round your body cages rust.
So warm the venom in your veins,
You are there.

Are you ready to dream, my sweet boy?
Are you ready to dream, my sweet child?
Come with me and taste your flesh, boy.
Are you ready to sleep?

Do you wanna have a dream or two?
Do you wanna have a dream or two?
Do you wanna have a dream or two?
I don’t.
No, I don’t.

You will see the end of me
Taking your virginity.
So cute the worms inside your head.
Don’t be scared, don’t be scared.

Do you wanna have a dream or two?
Do you wanna have a dream or two?
Do you wanna have a dream or two?
I don’t.
No, I don’t, no!

Aah, aah… Aah, aah, aah, ooh…
No… have… eeh… ehh…
No… I have… wanna have… ooh… uuh…
…You’ll have a dream, you’ll have a dream…
…You’ll have, have a dream or…
…You wanna have a… a dream or two…”

[ Lullaby – Leandra ]

Fun fact: I risked missing my train to shoot this photo, but boy, was it worth it!

I’m not entirely sure if the idea for this photo predates or not that for a Morphine project as a whole, but of one thing I’m sure: since the first time I pictured it in my head, I knew I wanted Knajfer Wintermere to pose with me for this one. Also, it was one of the first ideas I came up with in regards of graphical depictions of Leandra’s music.

Let’s just say the basic idea, though, because what you can see was sort of improvised on the spot while we were shooting. Most of the things I had originally planned are there: Knajfer looking frightened as in a waking nightmare with his brain bleeding out of his nose; black clothes; a dimly lit, grungy background; and then me putting said waking nightmare in his head. In my original idea, though, I was just supposed to stand behind him with my hands on his head, kind of squeezing the nightmare into his mind like some sort of Incubus or mythological creature.

Then, while we were shooting, it dawned on me: this song is literally a lullaby – a very twisted, unsettling one; also, there’s something creepily sexy about it. What if I actually leaned down and started whispering it into my victim’s ear those words in a creepy-slash-sexy way? Boom! I tried it, I stood up, I looked at the camera miniscreen and there it was, the very photo I wanted. A reminder that no matter how much I plan a photo, when sudden gusts of inspiration hit, I just grab and inject them into the blend.

And so, here we are, it’s Wednesday, December 2nd 2015. Tomorrow is the day. The funny thing is, I have another Inspiration Hurts photo coming out after “the big deal”, but I’m scared to death of going on and then taking them. You too, be prepared, because they’re probably going to shock you – especially if you’ve been following me for some years now.

See you tomorrow, dearies.

Cupid

“Say a little prayer for me.
Cupid, shoot your arrows into me.
I feel lust like a sick disease
And my blood ignites when I hold you close to me.

And I’ll never let you go.
Cupid, I’ll never let you go.

Bring my lover to her knees,
Pierce her skin and make her fall in love with me,
’Cause I swear I’ll make you bleed
If you break my heart when I hold you close to me.

Cupid, I’ll never let you go.
Cupid, I’ll never let you go.”

[ Cupid – Hurts ]

And here’s another couple-of-years-old idea that finally made it into a photo. I must say that working under approaching strict deadlines makes me extremely productive.
Cupid is one of my favourite tracks on Hurts’ Exile and was one of the first images I had in mind while listening to the album: a very posh photo (like the song is) with a present-day Cupid trying to shoot a victim who refuses to be hit by his arrow and struggles to redirect it to him out of spite. It fits well with the lyrics of the song as well as my non-existent inclination to fall in love, so the conceptual thinking was quick to sort out. Despite the action, I still wanted the photo to look somewhat static, perhaps because my first thought when it comes to Cupid is Canova’s Amor And Psyche, which is Neoclassical and thus not very dynamic. There’s really a lot going on behind the inspiration for this photo.
To give the photo a modern outlook, beside elegant outfits I thought it would be nice to have Cupid shooting with a gun instead of his canonical bow – and who cares if shooting arrows with guns is not ballistically correct, I can take an artistic license. Also, guns are glossy and would provide further visual ties to the glossy appearance I wanted the photo to have.
Knajfer Wintermere, one of my best friends, was my very first choice for the second model, but for one reason or another I never got to schedule a shoot with him until last week. The shoot was plagued by a huge delay (because of a train strike, my usual luck) and was particularly difficult, given I had to set up the camera, direct a model and myself too, so it took me several attempts to get it straight. We also tried some variations on the pose to improve the composition until this one finally made the trick. Out of all my Inspiration Hurts photos, this one was probably the most complicated. Which brings me to my usual thought: waiting years before I get one of my ideas out is a good thing. For one, I have much more proficiency with interior lighting, which is essential when taking glossy fashion-like photographs; also, I’ve explored the genre more before shooting in the dark, so the overall effect came out to be exactly what I had in mind.

I’m really glad I got to shoot a photo for one of my long-term projects, and that same afternoon another followed suit, which you will see tomorrow. Meanwhile, enjoy Cupid!

Mesmerism and Earthly Temptation, aka “How come I shot so little in 2015”

So, the story goes like this: last year I was approached by a certain glamour and fetish (and alternative…ish) model who wanted to try something different, more artsy and conceptual, and my photography style met her needs. We spent a few months brainstorming and exchanging ideas, discarded a few that weren’t feasible on a non-existent budget, postponed the shoot due to distance, holidays, work, university and, admittedly, my being ill at the very last minute once, until finally, in January 2015, we arranged our TF* shoot. Out of our brainstorming sessions, we had four ideas that were feasible and together would take a day to prepare and do. No problem, I’m 100% in.

I’m not going into detail of things that slowed us down and how one of those ideas could not be done in the end, I’ll just say that another one required a less than flattering pose to be done. After I had already postproduced it (and asked some friends to shoot for me some props that the model didn’t have so I could put them there digitally), the photo was scrapped by the model because it looked awkward. Whatever, I wasn’t enthusiastic about it either. Out of the initial four ideas, only two made the final cut.

Now, the idea for Earthly Temptation was entirely mine: when I was in Prague I visited an art exhibition which featured Dalì on one floor and Mucha on the next, so my mind made a connection and I thought it would be nice to pay a tribute to Dali’s Grapes of Immortality in an Art Nouveau-looking piece. I had no specific ideas about the model so I contributed this idea for the shoot not to look like I didn’t care while she did all the thinking. The model agreed, saw the styling herself before we shot, saw several postproduction steps before I hand-drew the skulls on the grapes, until she suddenly decided the photo wasn’t okay to publish. After I spent an afternoon on those skulls with my tablet. The reason? “It wasn’t her style”, which a) was kind of the point of the whole shoot, b) she could have told me straightaway before we even shot, let alone I was done postproducing. Besides, given that she approached me and not the other way around, one would assume she knew what she was hopping into. Nevermind, I told myself, I’m saving it – the idea and the postproduction – for someone else who’s really into fine art photography and won’t object to Art Nouveau. It’s not a big deal.

Then we had Mesmerism. Oh boy, Mesmerism. The prompt she gave me was, “I want to take a photo like Parker Harrison’s Gautier’s Dream” – not much to go with, because even tributes need to have subtlety. Okay, I thought, I can try and make this concept our own so it won’t look like plagiarism: the final idea was having her blindfolded by a big gauze bandage all over her head, a dripping candle on top of that, and moths flying all around. Also, what to do with the hands? What about you hold them upside close to your chest with smaller candles dripping on your wrists? Okay, that was settled.
So on went preparing the outfit and props, which took nearly two hours: aside from the bandage, the lady didn’t want wax dripped directly on her wrists, so I came up with cuttin some fabric, melting wax on the pieces to make a base for the candles, put it in the fridge so it would solidify quickly, add all the droplets, paste the candles on top, and we shot it at last.
You’d think the moth-filled background, which you can see in the final version of Mesmerism I published and did entirely digitally, was the biggest work in post production, but boy, was iy but the tip of the iceberg of what I had to do to that photo.
First off, she was very specific on a few things she wanted me to fix in beauty retouch phase; then the bandage looked like an awful turban twice the size of her head, so I had to liquefy the hell out of it to recreate the shape; then I had to fix the fabric texture because it didn’t even look like gauze anymore; then I had to shoot some dripping wax separately on an old white shirt wrapped around a vase because the one we dripped on the fabric to replicate the original photo looked like seagull shit (see, girl, the bloke in the photo is bald, you didn’t notice because it’s monochrome; wax does drip on skin, but gauze is kinda sorta absorbent AF, that’s its whole gig). Blend everything to make it look realistic, add some fancy filters, and there it was, the final version of the photo.
Side note: I had to come up with a concept and title retroactively because “We’ve got this idea but it has to mean something to be art”, but when I suggested Mesmerism and its lyrics to the model, she dismissed it because “It isn’t the concept I want my photo to represent” – which, as you can deduce, was non-existent to begin with, ‘cause “Let’s copy Shana and Robert Parker Harrison” is not a concept.

The title wasn’t the only time I consulted with her during my work: at each step of the editing I sent her previews and screenshots, listened to her input and asked if it was what she really wanted for the photo. Some photographers I talked to laughed at my face because the general practice is not to give a shit about what the models think and I was being too accommodating. Well, it took me three months to do everything, and only after that did she decide that “No, we can’t use this photo”. The reason? The very minor detail of the wax on the wrists looked off. And it was one of the three things that were there in the original photo, which she could have told me at the very beginning before I spent weeks fixing and editing everything else. Oh, and by the way, why did it look off? Because she couldn’t keep the fuck still and dropped both candles on the floor shattering most of the wax work I had done.
You know what the last straw was, though? When I told her there was no way I could edit it and have it still look even vaguely realistic, she just said, “If you’re not capable, why don’t you turn the photo to my photographer friend and see if he can do it?”.

Excuse me, bitch?

How about HELL TO THE NO. No one mess with my babies.
I swear I never felt more disrespected in my life. It was totally like I went there and asked her, “Honey, I really dislike your nose: do you mind if I shoot that of my smoking hot model friend and stick it to your face?”. I mean, can you even? Because I can’t even.

Now, that photo was mine and I could have published it anyway. But as you can guess, I had had it and I told her she could keep her idea and shoot it with any other photographer she deemed worthy, I would keep my own work and use it otherwise – meaning the postproduction and the idea I added to save her input. Finally, I organised a shoot with my dearest, beloved, trustworthy BriarRose, and at long last the photos are done.

What’s interesting to know is, as meaningless as a bad experience with a pretentious person who can’t make up her mind might be, it affected me very deeply and is the primary reason why I’ve been so little productive this year (aside from paid assignments). At first I had this burden in my mind of editing those goddamn photos and I felt guilty about doing other stuff. Then, I felt really disheartened and started doubting myself and my work. When I talked about it with my psychologist, he looked at me and said, “Do you really need a minus habens’ approval to be at peace with your work?”. I laughed really hard and he was totally right, but I still couldn’t touch my camera for personal stuff unless it was photos I’d had in mind for years and felt were finally ready to come out. And yes, in the meantime I got plenty of positive feedback from people who commissioned and paid me for my work, but I just couldn’t shake off that one “failure”.
Despite being ultimately a retroactive title, Mesmerism and its lyrics came to really symbolise that particular phase of my artistic (and general) life I was going through, so I was twice as determined to do another take on those photos and make a job that would put the old one to shame. It was only a matter of schedule.
Well, looking at the unedited photos then and now, maybe (and I say, maybe) the problem was not me. A part of me even felt bad for putting the background to the new Mesmerism because it looked amazing even with an empty black backdrop. Conversely, the moment I saw the old one I really wanted to cry and tried (and, if you don’t mind, succeeded) to edit it into something amazing only because I didn’t want to waste the hard work that I put into setting it up. Spot the difference.

As painful and frustrating as this experience has been, it has taught me a lot of things.
a) Save your good ideas for people you know, love and trust.
b) If people can’t make up their mind, don’t invest your time and energy into thinking for them, especially if you’re not getting paid.
c) Make stricter release notes so you go on with your work over the model’s dead body.
d) Let them have a say only if they’re paying you for the service you’re providing – and even then they need you because you know how to get things done.
e) Disturbed ≠ deep, and if someone thinks so, run away and don’t look back.
f) If they treat other people like they’re doing them a favour in letting said people do them a favour (i.e.: the one photo we didn’t even get to shoot), run even faster ‘cause they’re going to be like that with you too.
g) Always bring a back up light bulb for your softbox.
h) Always bring back up props because the more ambitious the model, the less likely they are to have everything on spot.
i) Don’t measure your talent on the ego and expectations of pretentious people and don’t let their judgement make you doubt yourself – you don’t care about their opinion anyway.

Now that Mesmerism is out, and with Earthly Temptation on its way I really feel relieved and confident. I swear I’ll try to pull myself together, make good of December and kick some ass in 2016. And those who think I’m not good enough… well, are you good enough?