Self-acceptance: a step forward

Contrary to what my work and nickname may suggest, I’m not really the self-confident type, let alone narcissistic. I mean, I take good care of my body, put a lot of effort in tending to my hair, always try to look my best, but it’s not like I’m really that in love with muself. On the contrary, I’m really insecure, in particular when it comes to my looks. While I’m quite happy with my face, I still have some self-acceptance issues when it comes to my body. I wish I was less skinny. I wish I was more manly, had wider shoulders, a bit of muscles perhaps (not too much, of course!), weighted some 10 kilos more. Although I’ve tried really hard to put on some weight, all my efforts are in vain, as I eat a lot to no avail. Which is, like, great, if only I was not some 20 kilos underweight.
This has of course some consequences on my artistic work. I usually try to avoid posing bare-chested, let alone naked, and dress up aptly to hide my too thin bodyframe. The only person in this world who ever gets me to pose half-dressed is Briar Rose. We first made two succesful attempts last year, one in May when we took some Placebo-inspired photos and one in December when we shot outdoors and now I decided to do that again for the Salomé series, in which I would wear a rather revealing (for my standars) outfit. Of course, as I was already in undressing mode, I had no objection when Cunene, the photographer who was to work with us, asked me if I felt comfortable posing bare-chested for some other shots. I got ready, stood under the lights in front of her camera, and there we went.

Besides the artistic value of the experience, which I did expect from the beginning, this shoot brough also something I would not expect. Perhapts “it was the light, it was the angle” (as Nick Cave sings), perhaps it’s Cunene’s amazing skills, but I really liked what I saw. For the first time, I thought: “Oh, that is my body? Wow, I really like it!”. It’s a strange form of epiphany in which I’ve found out I do look good even naked. No matter if I’m too thin or less manly than many other models, I am beautiful in my way (‘cause God makes no mistakes, would add Gaga). It took me six years “in the business” to figure it out, but thanks to Cunene I finally did. I think that, beside the wonderful outcome of the session, the fact that a photographer who’s not a close friend of mine (while Briar Rose is) did really appreciate me for what I am helped a lot. It really felt great.
We shot more things before Briar Rose joined us, but for now only these two photos are released. I really hope more are coming, as this photoshoot was a huge step forward for me, both professionally and personally.

Salomé

“Ah! I have kissed thy mouth, Jokanaan, I have kissed thy mouth. There was a bitter taste on my lips. Was it the taste of blood?
Nay, but perchance it was the taste of love... they say that love hath a bitter taste... but what matter? What matter? I have kissed thy mouth.”


Briar Rose has recently read Oscar Wilde’s play Salomé, which gave her the idea for a photoshoot. She told me about it and asked me if I was interest to model as John the Baptist with her as Salomé, which I immediately loved and accepted. After some brainstorming, we decided to ask the amazing Cunene if she was interested in shooting, as her painting-like style was really appropriate for the subject, and after she accepted we set up a meeting and went for it.
This series is particular important to me as it is the very first time Briar Rose and I posed together despite the fact we’ve been knowing each other for almost four years now and we’ve meet each other several times. I can say now that the wait was worth, as we modelled for a project we were really eager, inspired by one of our favourite authors.


This shoot turned out to be a real team work as there was a lot of brainstorming constantly going on in her home studio about many details. With Briar Rose being the soul of the series and Cunene actually bringing it to life, I did my part as well by pushing towards a more realistic modelling (like when I expressedly told Briar Rose to just pull my hair for real!), and coming up with the right idea of the perspective for my head in the final shoots so that the beheading would be easier - while Cunene came up with the “hair scarf” to further hide my neck and add realism. So we basically built up a highly inspired state of mind that brought to us these results, furtherly enhatched by Cunene’s majestic postproduction.

Would Oscar have liked this rendition of his work? I really hope so. We put all our heart in doing it.

Dance In The Dark

“Silicone, saline,
Poison, inject me.
Baby, I’m a free bitch,
I’m a free bitch.

Some girls won’t dance to the beat of the track.
She won’t walk away, but she won’t look back.
She looks good, but her boyfriend says she’s a mess,
She’s a mess, she’s a mess.
Now the girl is stressed,
She’s a mess, she’s a mess,
She’s a mess, she’s a mess.

Baby loves to dance in the dark
‘Cause when he’s looking she falls apart.
Baby loves to dance in the dark.
Baby loves to dance in the dark
‘Cause when he’s looking she falls apart.
Baby loves to dance, loves to dance in the dark.

Run, run, her kiss is a vampire grin.
The Moon lights her way while she’s howling at him.
She looks good, but her boyfriend says she’s a tramp,
She’s a tramp, she’s a vamp.
But she still does her dance,
She’s a tramp, she’s a vamp,
But she still kills the dance.

Baby loves to dance in the dark
‘Cause when he’s looking she falls apart.
Baby loves to dance in the dark.
Baby loves to dance in the dark
‘Cause when he’s looking she falls apart.
Baby loves to dance, loves to dance in the dark.

Marilyn, Judy, S-S-S-S-Sylvia,
Tell ‘em how you feel, girls.
Work your blonde Benét Ramsey,
We’ll haunt like liberace.
Find your freedom in the music,
Find your Jesus, find your Kubrick.
You will never fall apart,
Diana, you’re still in our hearts.
Never let you fall apart,
Together we’ll dance in the dark.”

[ Dance In The Dark - Lady Gaga ]

Funny isn’t it, how the first truly goth-looking photo I’ve taken in months is inspired by Lady Gaga, who so many metalheads, goths and other sub-culture representatives almost demonise as the very epitome of mainstream, sold-out music. Once again, the truth is she’s such a valuable, multifaceted, amazing artist that the very concept of “genre” doesn’t apply to her work. Her songs draw from and can evoke any kind of imagery, even something as gothic as this photo. This is what a complete artist should do, in my opinion.

With this said, this is one of those photos that really speak for themselves. All you can see, from the dim, grazing light to the messy make up and hairdo, up to Deborah’s outfit and, in particular, her expression and pose, is meant to be representing the song lyrics. The final outcome of the photo is exactly what I had in my mind for theis song, but I have to say it was extremely hard to achieve given our lack of studio light. We had to do everything with the afternoon sun through the window with no control over the intensity of the light, waiting for the clouds that were drifting by to regulate it by themselves. I was about to give up, but as usual, when you have to struggle to get something the result is even more satisfying, isn’t it?
On a side note, I mentioned that this photo is much more goth-looking than most of my current stuff, but it still retains a fashionable touch in it, in particular because of what you can see of the outfit. I consider it a good match point of my older and current work.

Alejandro

“I know that we are young and I know you may love me,
But I just can’t be with you like this anymore...
Alejandro.

She’s got both hands in her pocket
And she won’t look at you, won’t look at you.
She hides true love en su bolsillo,
She’s got a halo ‘round her finger, around you.

You know that I love you boy,
Hot like Mexico, rejoice.
At this point I gotta choose,
Nothing to loose.

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name,
Alejandro.
I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe,
Fernando.
Don’t wanna kiss, don’t wanna touch,
Just smoke one cigarette and hush.
Don’t call my name, don’t call my name,
Roberto.

Alejandro, Alejandro.
Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro.
Alejandro, Alejandro.
Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro.

Stop, please, just let me go. Alejandro, just let me go.

She’s not broken, she’s just a baby,
But her boyfriend’s like a dad, just like a dad,
And all those flames that burned before him,
Now he’s gonna fight your fight, gonna cool the bad.

You know that I love you boy,
Hot like Mexico, rejoice.
At this point I gotta choose,
Nothing to loose.

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name,
Alejandro.
I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe,
Fernando.
Don’t wanna kiss, don’t wanna touch,
Just smoke one cigarette and hush.
Don’t call my name, don’t call my name,
Roberto.

Alejandro, Alejandro.
Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro.
Alejandro, Alejandro.
Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro.

Don’t bother me, don’t bother me,
Alejandro.
Don’t call my name, don’t call my name.
Bye, Fernando.
I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe,
Alejandro.
Don’t wanna kiss, don’t wanna touch,
Fernando.”

[ Alejandro - Lady Gaga ]

Alejandro has been the second song by Lady Gaga I really grew to like and put onto my iPod. Back in the day (we’re talking about 2010) I used to be more of a bigoted metalhead and loathed her on the simple basis that she was Lady Gaga. I mean, come on, she was some blonde popstar who made music for selling and sung about meaningless things like going clubbing and screwing, and her music was banal and commercial. The truth is, (like most metalheads) I did never even care to listen one single album of hers. I just judged her on the basis of my prejudices without even knowing what I was talking about. Indeed, those two songs I had on my iPod had such beautiful music videos that I enjoyed watching, thus I did really listen to them and that’s why I was, like, “okay, they do really sound cool”.
As I mentioned in the Heavy Metal Lover entry, it was Alessandro who eventually forced me to give Gaga a true listen (to The Fame Mosnter), allowing her to conquer me completely, so I really owe much to him in this sense and that’s probably why I tend to picture him in many of my Gaga-inspired works.
Anyways, Alessandro was doubtlessly the best choice for the Alejandro photo becasue... well, try and guess why. It was because of the name, of course, but also because I particularly liked the light I saw on his balcony when I went there to shoot Heavy Metal Lover and, for some unknown reasons, I immediately associated it with the song. Oh, and I adore shooting him whike he’s smoking, and with the cigarette verse and the light which would emphasize the smoke it would have worked perfectly.

Alessandro and I did the styling together, then I did his make up (actually just the eyeshadow) and we were ready to shoot. The photo itself did not require much work except for some attempts with slightly different poses and some work to catch the perfect light, but while I was shooting I already knew what the difficulty would be. For this particular photo I wanted a cross-process kind of postproduction with a blue-greenish hue on the shadows and a yellowish one on the highlights. I had to do some attempts because greenish shadows would result in pink highlights, while yellow highlights would turn the shadows blue, but I eventually succeded in what I had to do. This postproduction also perfectly fit the cyan tones of the glass, so I can say I’m very happy with this photo.
On a side note, Alessandro is a fucking lucky bitch: what you can see in this photo is his actual skin with no make up or Photoshop retouh whatsoever. Now, that is luck. I really wish my skin looked that amazing too...

Long-term projects

Since I’m working on many of them simultaneously and there is often a big gap between the submissions, I think keeping track of my long-term projects may be getting a bit hard for my followers. Thus, I thought writing a post about that could be helpful.

At the moment, I’m carrying five long-term projects, plus one which is just an idea as of now, but which I hope I will start working on soon. It will be quite difficult to carry on, though, as many photos will require rather intimate interations between the models and I’ll need couples willing to do so. I will explain the idea better once I really start working on it.

The others are:

• The Infernal Lords. I’m positive everybody who’s been following me for the last couple of years knows what I’m talking about, as I consider it my magnum opus and advertise it quite a lot. If you have missed the presentation of the project you can go here and read it. At the moment, I have done more than two thirds of it and my plans and wishes are to complete it within 2012. With some luck, I think I will be able to do so.

There are plans also for some spin-offs of this project which will be featured in the Evil In The World collection. One, which is about Lilith, has already been made. I don’t know how many of them I’ll be making, as it’s not a really essential part of the project, but if I get some ideas as nice as Lilith’s I’ll surely develop them.

• Inspiration Hurts is a series of photos inspired by the music of British synthpop duo Hurts which has turned into my first printed work when I made a photobook out of the photos I had taken up to that point as a present for Theo and Adam. Here is the presentation I wrote for them at the beginning of the book.

Actually, I tend to take many photos inspired by a single band, but for some reason the Hurts-inspired group is quite cohesive and has evolved into a project of its own that has some sort of continuity. Differently from my other projects, this one does not have a set number of photos and I think it will go on virtually forever, as I constantly get new ideas when I listen to Hurts music. The only thing I know for sure is it will have twenty two photos which will bear the title of each song, plus various others inspired by some particular verse, general ideas somehow connected to Hurts music and so on.

As of now, I have taken eleven of the “title-photos” and I have ideas for another eight, while the other haven’t spoken to me yet. I have also taken three verse-related photos and have quite a lot of new ideas popping up in my mind every now and then.

• Artpop Generation, a project about Lady Gaga and her music. It follows pretty much the same pattern of Inspiration Hurts, albeit as of now I’m only considering photos bearing the song titles plus some occasional photos that are more of a tribute than an interpretation. I’ve taken Heavy Metal Lover and Amen Fashion so far (plus I Want You Psycho and Just A Holy Fool), but I’ve got a lot of new ideas so hopefully more is coming soon. Oh, and I’ll have to come up with a title too, while I’m at it.

• The Murder Ballads, clearly inspired by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds’ album. This project is kind of on hold at the moment, as I’m more focussed on the others and unsure how to carry it. At the beginning I was supposed to shoot one photo for each song, but the first work, Where The Wild Roses Grow, turned into a mini-series of its own that follows the narration of the song. I think the other works will follow the same pattern, as most of the songs would be impossible to fully express with one image only. This in turn makes it more difficult and demanding as it will really require a lot of work and preparation and I’m not really sure I feel like putting so much effort in that direction now. Anyways, we’ll see what happens next: I may even consider keeping it on hold until I’m done with the Infernal Lords.

• The Aégis Collection. This was actually my first long-lasting project, which I started the day I had my very first photoshoot with my own reflex camera. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if I can really consider it a real series because it isn’t actually one. I shot Poppæa and Angélique independently and then Aœde (they even received their titles after shooting, when I noticed they accidentally fit the song), then Siren (which was the first intended conept of the bunch) and finally I was like: “Oh wow, I’ve made half of the album; let’s do the rest!”. Thus, only Cassandra, Lorelei and Venus were actually shot as part of a cohesive series. This is quite evident, as I put much more care in the details so that the photos would really represent the songs, rahter than just fitting them.

With this said, I still really love these photos and I think they work perfectly as stand-alone works inspired by the songs (including the first three); nevertheless, due to my naive approach to the project, I’m not quite as sure if the series works as a whole: that’s why I’d rather call it a collection. I will be completing it with the missing photo - Bacchante, for which I would like to have Briar Rose modelling, but we have to wait for autumn to have grapes, while I am not sure about Samantha and Virago, the two bonus tracks, which aren’t nearly as inspiring as the rest of the songs - and a personal interpretation of the album front cover, but I don’t really know what will become of it apart from standing there in my gallery. The truth is I’m not dying to keep working on it, which is quite clear if you consider that the latter photos, Lorelei and Venus, were taken in February 2010 and May 2011 respectively. But well, at least Bacchante does deserve a photo, after all.

And this is all about my current long-term projects. Despite the lack of effort I’m putting in the Murder Ballads and the Aégis Collection, I’m quite proud for not having really dropped any of them so far. The Infernal Lords are becoming something of a concern as I’m sort of scared to finish them (I know I will feel horribly empty when I do), but completing that project is one of the few absolutely-must-do things on the list of stuff I have to achieve before I die, so you can imagine how important it is to me. Anyways, I find working on long-lasting projects really satisfying, as each step feels like a huge, long-awaited achievement and the excitement before getting to the next is indescribable. I hope you look forward both to my fothcoming project and to the next installments of the ongoing ones, as I promise the works will be worth the wait.

Amen Fashion

“Dancing in my relevation,
Underground pop civilization.
Concrete poetry to feed my mind,
Old symbolism was left behind.
There’s no way I could be stopped,
Was taking my best shot,
I had a better plan.
There’s no way I could be stopped,
Was coming for your spot,
I met a better men.

Amen on the runway,
Dressed in his best.
Amen fashion on the runway,
Work it, Black Jesus.
Amen on the runway,
Dressed in his best.
Amen fashion on the runway,
Work it, Black Jesus.

Put it on, Amen Fashion.
Celebrate, ooh ooh, a new compassion.
Put it on, Amen Fashion.
Celebrate, ooh ooh, style your passion.
Put it on, Amen Fashion.
Celebrate, ooh ooh, a new compassion.
Put it on, Amen Fashion.
Celebrate, poh ooh, wear out your vision.

Black Jesus, Black Jesus, Black Jesus.
Jesus is the new black, ow!”

[ Black Jesus † Amen Fashion - Lady Gaga ]

The best way to describe this photo is quoting my dear friend Soy Mallika and what she wrote in a comment about it and my own reply to her comment:

† Somehow the pose of Alessandro from this shoot reminds me of you from Inorganic Angel. Maybe is also because of the same symbolism of the aura from behind: here the window, there the wheel. Only here, is clear that is has a more saintly absorption, especially because the background is kind of blurry and give this effect of rays all behind the model. All these (and the chair story) to suggest only one line from the song: “Old symbolism was left behind”! Well, as crazy as you were at the moment, was an impressive idea. Turned out better than you expected.
(Actually it wouldn’t have had the same effect if you would have let the background more sharp. The focus pops up the model this way and was a good choice).
I smiled at the “amen for the fashion man!” and “jesus is the new black”. Not to the lyrics of the song, but to the way you depicted these into your work. This new jesus with bolted belt, cut gothic gloves, Turkish scarf and French hat is really a piece of something! A free saint is the new fallen prophet! Bet you didn’t think exactly this way, but Gaga would be proud!

† Yeah, these two photos do actually share a connection. The idea is quite similar, although opposite in a way. In Inorganic Angel there was an angel-like model with a mundane kind of halo, here in Amen Fashion is a mundane fashion model with a religious background that makes up the halo. So basically the former represents the earthliness of santity, the latter the misticism of mundanity. So yep, I had also Inorganic Angel in my mind while shooting Amen Fashion, they’re sisters, or at least cousins.

Indeed, Inorganic Angel was thrown in the blender when I came up with the idea of this photo and I immediately imagined how taking a complementary photo would help, but I don’t think I consciously realised how Alessandro’s look did actually define the language of what would come out of this shot. I think, though, that such things did subconsciously influence me to make this image how it is now. I really have to thank Mallika for pointing that out.

Enjoy the story of how this photo was actually realised in the description of its “shadow” sister Like A Boss.

A pin-up experiment

After such a satisfying and successful series as the Thirties Diva, Deborah Luna and I really wanted to work togther again and experiment with yet another style. So when we met again, we organised a quick photoshoot in a Fifties pin-up style - which suit her very well.
For a whole series of circumstances, I arrived at Deborah Luna’s later than expected, so beside the fashion part, I could make an attempt at taking photos with difficult light conditions, namely twilight. The sun had already set when we went out, so I had to work with the scattering light, which gave some of the photos a very soft touch and slight bluish hue I loved. Besides, we did some experiments using streetlight, although only one turned out good (Reverie). I’m quite proud of that photo because I shot it without setting up the tripod or using an excessively high ISO speed, which means I’ve improved with the firmness of my hand.

As “bonus shoots”, we took some photos with pearls back at her place, which turned out lovely despite not being what we were trying to get at the beginning.

It has been an all in all brief session and not only did we get to accomplish less than half of what we had already planned, but I eventually had to scrap quite a lot of photos compared to the ones I could save, but those few ones were worth the effor anyways. I hope you like them!

The Infernal Lords XX: Naberius

“An artist is what is call’d
The self that the brush holdeth -
Though hath it then caringly caress’d
The Canvas of to-morrow?,
O Canvas! for thee I hold my tool -
Still! passionless it quivereth,
Minding not that my hands are more than apt;
My Muse.

The Devil is as Black as he Painteth -
O Canvas! wherefore?...”
[ Black As The Devil Painteth – Theatre of Tragedy ]

Former Throne Count Naberius is a Second-level Demon and a member of Emperor Lucifer’s Entourage. Along with Count Kobal and Count Murmur, he is one of the three Demons of Art, namely that of Figurative Arts, Painting and Sculpture. This makes him a Goetic Demon, who can be summoned into the Sublunar World by Mortals willing to sell their soul in exchange for artistic talent and inspiration. Although he occasionally acts independently and inspires unaware Humans, he tends to do so to a much lesser extent than his two colleagues. He was the one who taught mankind how to draw and carve in the first place, giving mundanity to a craft that was originally designed to only praise Yahweh.
Ever since he was an Angel, he was granted the power to reproduce the world around him with such realism that what he painted or carved became almost as real as the original object. In time, as he drifted further away from Yahweh’s grace, his powers amplified to the point that he has become actually capable of creating things out of thin air by painting or carving them, although their lifespan is limited. His powers proved especially useful after his Fall, as he lost his wings in the fight: despite the loss, he’s able to conjure new wings for himself and fly anyways.
As part of Emperor Lucifer’s entourage, he is His Majesty’s official Portrayer, and also fellow Courtiers turn to him for portraits and paintings. He also works closely with Duke Belial and the fellow Demons of Art to the entertainment and cultural life of Pandemonium; Count Asmodeus has a particular liking for his talent and patronises him, often in exchange for portraits to give to his countless lovers as a gift. He’s famous for his extravagant lifestyle and bohemian look, which makes him a suitable comrade to the tipsy Decarabia.