Stay

“My whole life waiting for the right time
And to tell you how I feel.
I know I try to tell you that I need you,
And here I am without you.
I feel so lost, but what can I do?

‘Cause I know this love seems real,
But I don’t know how to feel.

We say goodbye in the pouring rain
And I break down as you walk away.
Stay, stay.
‘Cause all my life I’ve felt this way,
But I could never find the words to say.
Stay, stay.

Alright, everything is alright
Since you came along.
And before you I had nowhere to run to
And nothing to hold on to,
I came so close to giving it up.

And I wonder if you know
How it feels to let you go.

We say goodbye in the pouring rain
And I break down as you walk away.
Stay, stay.
‘Cause all my life I’ve felt this way,
But I could never find the words to say.
Stay, stay.

So you change your mind and say you’re mine.
Don’t leave tonight, stay.

We say goodbye in the pouring rain
And I break down as you walk away.
Stay, stay.
‘Cause all my life I’ve felt this way,
But I could never find the words to say.
Stay, stay.

Stay with me, stay with me,
Stay with me, stay with me,
Stay, stay, stay, stay with me.”

[ Stay – Hurts ]

Holy guacamole.

The one photo that cost incalculabe pain, begin with the clash between myself and someone who shall not be named.

Remember how salty I was when I wrote about Wonderful Life, and how I kept throwing shade left, right and centre for the last twelve months or so? Well… it would be unfair to say this photo started it all, but it did open a considerable can of worms that eventually spiralled out of control.

When you hear the name “Hurts”, chances are, if you don’t think of Woderful Life, you’ll think of Stay. It’s one of their signature songs and ultimate power ballads. Again, it should have been among the first photos in the project, except I wanted it to be shot in this very specific location: the panoramic observation point of Capo Caccia, a majestic 180 metre high limestone cliff with perhaps the most breathtaking view of the sea I’ve ever seen – the same I used for another important photo of mine, The Gathering Of The Clouds from the Weather Systems project.

Being a song about an ever-lasting love that conquers all and stuff, I also wanted to model in it with a very specific person, with whom I used to have a very special bond – the same I was saving Wonderful Life for. This resulted in the idea lying dormant for years because, contrary to finding a damn bridge to shoot on, taking said person to Sardinia would be very difficult and expensive. Really, I don’t hold the long wait against them this time: we discussed it and decided to wait for a chance to do that without pressure, even if it took us years. And years it did take, because we talked about it some time in 2012 or 2013, and then that person had a chance to come visit me in Sardinia last summer, in 2018.

Now, to be fair we did try to go and shoot this photo. We arrived on location with some difficulties (because my mother got rid of the car in the meantime, and Sardinian public transports are a joke) and then, out of nowhere, we got hit by a literal tropical storm that forced us to retreat.
I’d rather not get into too much detail on what happened next, let’s just say we did have time to reschedule, and also a ride to get there more comfortably, but some excuses were brought up and it really felt like someone else’s (already shot) passion projects that needed the Sardinian sea as a backdrop were prioritised over mine, which was becoming a bit too recurring. Except now there would be no “next time”: short of winning the lottery, that person ain’t coming back to Sardinia anytime soon. Also, “Come on, it’s been seven years, it can wait a couple more” was not the best quip to make right then.

Anyway, aside from the ensuing wreckage on the personal side of things, this is the event that made me re-evaluate taking photos with “special people” as tokens of affection and stuff: yeah, cool and all if we get to do that in a few months, but I’m not gonna wait forever anymore. Given that I wouldn’t be shooting this photo (or any photo) with that person ever again, I decided to keep the location and see whom I could find to shoot: with me, with another male model, whatever, I just wanted this photo done.
My patience was repaid when I met Nicola and Loli, who are a real-life couple. Considering what good results working with real-life couples has yielded so far, I asked them if they’d be interested in modelling for me and they accepted. We scheduled a day, discussed outfits and grooming, kept an eye on the weather forecast just in case. I won’t lie, I was a nervous wreck all morning, especially because the sky was murky, and I’m seriously having a hard time trusting that people will actually follow through with their commitments; but at last, we went on location, there was no impending downpour or anything, and no one was having second thoughts, imagine that.
It took me longer than usual to shoot because the cloud coverage was very spotty so I had to constantly adjust to the shifting light, the wind was extraordinarily scarce so the veil wouldn’t float, and I had to juggle my camera and a reflecting panel all by myself. In the end, though, everything worked out very well, especially thanks to Nicola and Loli’s ability to keep the pose and look intense despite my screw ups.

So, while the general concept for the photo has remained pretty much the same all this time, when I moved from friends to an actual couple as models, the pose evolved from solemn, allegorical-looking to more intimate and affectionate. I had the background to give the epicness, so I could keep the modelling more subdued. The lack of wind turned the green veil, which is a nod to the video for the song, from a floating barrier that was supposed to be falling from in-between the characters to a link between them. I also took full advantage of the slight humidity, which mellowed out the background colours, and the reflective panel, which enhanced the colours on the models, to have them stand out even more.

One thing I’m really glad about, though, is how “in the moment” I was while shooting, how I let go of whatever unfortunate circumstance had kept me from taking the photo sooner: I was there to create something beautiful, to have a good time with some friends and to add a piece to one of my big projects. There was no room for spite, I wasn’t there to prove a point or show anyone up – which I was afraid could taint the photo to me, somehow. I’m really just glad I took this photo and it looks the way it does. Oh, and by the way, as soon as we got back in town, we looked across the bay at Capo Caccia and saw there was a downpour, I swear! We took the photo just on time, so it was really meant to be this way.

Confide In Me

“I stand in the distance,
I watch from afar.
Should I offer my assistance,
Should it matter who you are?

We all get hurt by love
And we all have our cross to bear,
But in the name of understanding now
Our problems should be shared.

Confide in me, confide in me.

And I can keep a secret
And throw away the key,
But sometimes, to release it
Is to set our children free.

We all get hurt by love
And we all have our cross to bear,
But in the name of understanding now
Our problems should be shared.

Confide in me, confide in me,
Confide in me, confide in me.

Stick or twist, the choice is yours.
Hit or miss, what’s mine is yours.
Stick or twist, the choice is yours.
Hit or miss, what’s mine is yours.

We all get hurt by love
And we all have our cross to bear,
But in the name of understanding now
Our problems should be shared.

Confide in me, confide in me,
Confide in me, confide in me.”

[ Confide In Me – Hurts ]

Once upon a time, I took a photo based on Hurts’ cover of Kylie Minogue’s Confide In Me, which… was okay, I guess? I mean, the light was nice, the model too, overall it kind of did work out as a photo… mostly. The truth is, for starters, the focus was not that sharp. And the core of the connection with the song, which goes through Kylie’s hotline-inspired music video, lied mostly in the little phonebook my model and I found at the location we were shooting in… which isn’t easily readable in the photo, so it kinda falls flat. My mixed feelings about this photo led me to downright scrap it at first, while I was cleaning up the Inspiration Hurts folder on deviantArt, but I’m still sort of fond of it, so I don’t know, I put it back into the companion pieces folder and left it at that. And suddenly, Confide In Me needed a new visual representation.

The new idea came up almost at random, while I was listening to the song a few weeks ago. I realised the lynchpin for a strong visual rendition of Confide In Me should be the “keep a secret and throw away the key” line, which I could easily convey through the necklace I always wear. A key in this context would be connected to secrets, especially secret-keeping, confidentiality, thus the trustworthiness the lyrics try to sell to the listener. Placing it over the mouth doubles both as a promise to keep it shout, and as the act of swallowing the key so the secret is safe forever. Also, I’m smiling (which I rarely do in photos) and directly engaging the viewer to further affirm a sense of familiarity and reliability.

The basic idea I wrote down quickly, but it took me a few weeks to take the photo because first I desperately needed a haircut, and then I caught a cold that just wouldn’t leave me alone, so I had to postpone it all until I felt (and looked) better. The reason why I modelled myself for this photo is partly quick availability, partly the fact that I would never lend my necklace to someone else, even if just for a quick shoot. It’s part of me, so it’s only fair that the whole me would be in the photo along with it. Posing was a bit of a challenge more in an abstract way than with the actual shoot, because I have this preconception that I either can’t emote in photos, or look silly, awkward or ugly when I try. I actually freaking love the way I look here and I’m very satisfied with the overall result, so once again, I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and it was totally worth it.
Now let’s keep our fingers crossed and hope for a cloudy day, so I can take the next Inspiration Hurts photo.

Matter Of Time

“‘It’s a matter of time’, you said,
‘It’s a matter of time’.
‘Figure out what is yours’, I said,
‘Figure out what is mine’.
And even if I pretended trust,
It was not hard to pretend.
And even if I gave up myself,
You’re not on what I depend.

As you wanted me to be right,
I preferred to be wrong.
And as your self-pity got control,
You supposed to get strong.
You might misunderstand me, dear,
But I had all that before.
Get control of yourself, my friend,
But you’re about to ignore.

Don’t have to comprehend where I belong,
Where I pretend to know if you’re wrong.
You tried to reach me on behalf of your errors,
A life getting serious.
You’re not as delirious to look in the mirrors
Of open decisions, so run.
Behalf of your errors, a life getting serious,
So look for where you have begun.”

[ Matter Of Time – Leandra ]

Oh boy, this photo.

So, remember how in 2015 I was going through an utterly disastrous moment, I had to really, truly acknowledge that I was clinically depressed because, left untreated, it was pulling me down, I had dropped out of university for good, I had no idea whatsoever where my life was headed and, on top of it all, that included photography because I had had a certain experience that had totally shattered my self-confidence? Yeah, I don’t have fond memories of that time.

At some point, after I reached my absolute low due to a wrong anti-depressant prescription that turned me into a zombie for about a month and a half (don’t worry, I’ve changed my therapist immediately afterwards), things started to get to a point where at least I was functional enough to tell myself, “Boy, try to figure your shit out; to hell with past mistakes and future anxieties, just focus on the here an now, to find a way to feel better, get stronger and then deal with the rest”.

While most of my life was still up in the air, at least I got my creativity back, my most important way to sort out my feelings, deal with them and feel like I could turn something productive out of my misery. I reshot the photos that had opened that can of worms in the first place, and went on to take a few others for my Inspiration Hurts and Morphine projects because I was approaching a once-in-a-lifetime deadline: I was going to have my hair cut short.

I was tired of wearing it long and it was one of the weights I felt I needed to shed if I wanted to go on. I was struggling with my image, with the amount of care it required (and when you’re that depressed, even basic self-care is difficult) and I just kept it tied all the time because it was an annoyance. I considered the idea for months, then, when I was feeling like I was at a turning point, I decided to do it. It was, as they say, a matter of time.

You see what I did there.

I had the idea the morning I was set to have the haircut and decided to go for it: I envisioned the song as a conversation between zombie-me and enough-is-enough-me, and thought of rendering it with old, long-haired me sitting on the floor on his self-pity party in the shadow, and new, short-haired me standing up confident and facing the light: the change, symbolised by the haircut, was the titular matter of time. So I set the tripod, took the long-haired photos and left it all there for the next morning, with the same light, angle, perspective and everything, for the short-haired one. I also carefully studied the styling so I’d wear two similar outfits but with slight differences, to signal a progression in the narrative. Basically, everything worked in theory.

The problem is, I was in a hurry and the first batch of portraits was so-and-so: the best one fit the idea perfectly, but I miscalculated the frame and had part of my arm cut off. When I tried to assemble the photo, this made the whole composition horribly unbalanced and, hey, the problem was the portrait I couldn’t get another shot at, so what to do? I just left the PSD sitting unfinished on my external hard-drive, and tried (and failed) to come up with an entirely different concept for the song.

Then yesterday, while I was doing some cleaning up, I opened it again and damn, I still liked the idea after all this time. So I went through the other takes and ta-dah, I found one that wasn’t as good, but whose elbow I could transplant to move the whole composition so it wouldn’t look awkward. At this point, I only had to wait for morning today, re-shoot the background (which, at this point, had become a bloody mess), blend the whole damn thing together and hell yes, I did it, I saved the photo!

It has become a matter of a long time at this point, but I’m glad I pulled it off after all, it’s a good reminder that even when you lose all hope, you can still dig you way out of a bad moment and do something out of it.

Only You

“When the night is young but it makes you feel much older
And you’re comatose each waking hour of life.
When the days go by but the darkness lingers longer
And before you know it life is one long night.

But when I close my eyes, I see you stand before me
And if you take my hand, I’ll leave it all behind.

Because only you can set me free,
So hold me close just like the first time.

Flashing lights illuminate your halo
And my pounding heartbeat thunders like a drum.
When we used to dance we’d never cast a shadow
‘Cause there was only you and me when we were young.

And in a sea of scars the first cut is the deepest.
No matter where you are, I’ll always think of you.

Because only you can set me free,
So hold me close just like the first time
And show me how it used to be,
Because only you can set me free.
Only you can set me free.”

[ Only You – Hurts ]

You know what they say, right? Make hay while the sun shines. So while I was at it, I brought home another Inspiration Hurts photo.
Fortunately, Only You doesn’t have as troubled a history as Wonderful Life: I listened to the song many times (it’s one of my favourites off Exile) so I came up with a concept quite early on; at about the same time, I came across this photo by Thomas Lavelle and decided to kinda sorta steal a page from it because that halo looked incredibly cool and something similar would fit the photo. And then I kind of left it at that for a while: I didn’t really have in mind any specific models for it, so I just waited around to get a girl, a boy and my camera in the same room. It just happened to be Jelena and me after we shot Wonderful Life.

Only You has a clubby feel to it, both in the music and lyrics, but I didn’t want to take that direction: I wanted to focus more on the emotional bond it describes, and represent it by playing up the sacred imagery evoked (because if I can put a halo in it, damn right I’m going to do that). So I pictured the boy character as some sort of atoner longing for the grace of this idealised, holy-like woman, not quite sure enough to be worthy of grasping it again. Jelena really looks the part of the angelic woman (besides being an incredibly nice person all around) so, besides a pragmatic casting choice, it was also a natural one. And I was available and already goomed to pose, so I went for it.
Visually, I played up the contrast betweem the two characters by juxtaposing a light outfit with a dark one. I also went for a strong colour wash to give the photo both a dreamlike and fashion-oriented look.
As I mentioned, I strongly took inspiration from an existing photo for the halo, but I hope I made mine different enough –  I positioned differently and had the rays start directly from the head – for it to look like a hommage rather than a rip off.

So there it is, Only You. Lately I feel driven as hell, especially in regards to this project; let’s hope that I keep momentum, because I’m really, really tired of waiting around.

Wonderful Life

“On a bridge across the Severn on a Saturday night
Susie meets the man of her dreams.
He says that he got in trouble and, if she doesn’t mind,
He doesn’t want the company.
But there’s something in the air, they share a look in silence
And everything is understood,
And Susie grabs her man and puts a grip on his hand
As the rain puts a tear in his eye.

She says,
“Don’t let go.
Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life.
Don’t let go.
Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life.”

Driving through the city to the Temple station
He cries into the leather seat,
And Susie knows her baby was a family man
But the world has got him down on his knees.
So she throws him at the wall, her kisses burn like fire
And suddenly he starts to believe,
And he takes her in his arms and he doesn’t know why,
But he thinks that he begins to see.

She says,
“Don’t let go.
Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life.
Don’t let go.
Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life.
Don’t let go.
Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life.
Don’t let go.
Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life.””

[ Wonderful Life – Hurts ]

When you talk about Hurts, Wonderful Life is probably the first thing that comes to mind: it’s been their breakthrough single, as well as their first video (which they then re-shoot more professionally), it’s legitimately a classic in their repertoir, an incredibly good soong by its own merits… it’s really Classic Hurts, if you will.

Indeed, when I first started listening to Hurts and tackling visual renditions of their music, I sort of had a go at Wonderful Life. Not in a deliberate, planned way like I did Silver Lining, but while I was dressed and dolled up for that one, I took a few more photos on the same location, as an afterthought, and one of them could retroactively fit loosely the song, what with the bridge, the industrial aesthetics that recalled the single cover, the gloomy weather and so on.

Keep in mind that at this point the Inspiration Hurts project as such wasn’t a thing yet: I only had plans for Evelyn besides Silver Lining, so I kept an “anything goes” approach to the rest of Hurts’ music, and this Wonderful Life photo just happened along the way. When ideas for visual renditions started piling up and I found mysel with a coherent project in my hands, things got a bit more difficult: at first I kept the photo and it even made it onto the photobook I gifted to the band (because I didn’t have that much material), but the song could give so much more visually.

See, while I plan the Inspiration Hurts photos meticulously, fine-tune the symbolism to best represent the songs and so on, I’m still open to exceptions and sudden gusts of inspiration; so when pictures like Locked Out Of Heaven, The Crow or Kaleidoscope happened, I happily kept them as part of the project even though I had other ideas about those songs (or none at all by that point). The thing is, those I consider good photos, which Wonderful Life 1.0… eh, just wasn’t. The light is dull, I look weird, the image isn’t overall particularly striking… I realised Wonderful Life deserved better the moment I decided this would be a long-running project, so I demoted that to one of “companion pictures” and came up with a specific concept. Which is the one you can see here, and we’re talking, like, 2011.

I mean, beside being one of the “hurtsest” songs of all, the lyrics describe very precisely the scene, so it’s quite easy to visualise it. It has got to be posh, melancholic, monochrome, with Susie holding the man of her dreams from jumping off the bridge: the photo basically shoots itself. And yet, eight years and three Hurts albums later, I still hadn’t shot it, what gives?

The thing is, I’m an idealist and I value friendship a lot. Of course, in this project I really care about, I wanted people who are special to me, not just random pretty nobodies. How cool would a photo like Wonderful Life be with two people who genuinely love each other, however platonically, and who’ve been there for each other time and time again? And that’s basically what’s been keeping not only this photo, but the whole Inspiration Hurts project on hold forever.

Because, I mean, when you’ve basically got three options for cities with either a river or artificial canals to pick from, it can’t be that difficult to find a goddamn bridge to put two people on and get it over with, can it? You can’t just spare one free afternoon in years for that, can you? Like, okay, at some point early on I spoke about one specific bridge in a specific city (which was within public transport reach, anyway), but I’ve just read my notes and they just say, “find a bridge”, so at some point I adapted my plans to any place that would suit. Just… let’s get it over with, shall we, it only takes one afternoon to hop on some public transport, get on location and shoot, goddamnit.
But no, of course not.

Anyway, some things happened that made me realise I need a big change in perspective. Yes, it’s cool for photos to double as big tokens of affections for my friends, but at some point I have to start prioritising my artistic expression. So now I just jumped at the first occasion to take this photo with a very beautiful friend who was in town and was actually enthusiastic about it all – imagine that. I can’t keep waiting forever.
Said friend, Jelena, I met through Giulia, who had already assisted me with I’m A Ruin and woken me up early in the morning to shoot Frozen last month. She’s my photographic guardian angel. So Jelena was in town, we discussed styling, agreed on a place and time, met up and took the photo. Easy peasy, really. I set up the tripod and framing, Giulia groomed Jelena, assisted me again by adjusting our pose (and making sure the passers by wouldn’t knock off the tripod and camera into the canal), and there it is, at long last, Wonderful Life.
And I’m truly grateful to both of them, because they hadn’t seen each other in a long time and could have just spent the afternoon on their own being the adorable best friends they are, yet chose to meet with me and take photos instead. Not that we didn’t have fun, what with Giulia’s theory that if I jumped from there I wouldn’t die, but surely would mutate and grow a few additional limbs.
See, it can be fun. All we have to do is will it and get it done.

Shade aside, the photo came out more dynamic than I could have hoped for. This is the moment when the male character is about to jump and Susie stops him, gives him some unexpected comfort and changes his mind. Putting one foot on the railing was a last-minute decision that drove it home, and Jelena totally nailed her pose too. I wanted the picture to look like it was shot on a gloomy, cloudy day, so I chose an hour when the sun was up but already behind the surrounding buildings to have neutral light, and did some trick with the hint of the sky to make it look darker, but there’s still a glimpse of light on us that gives more contrast, which I love.
I was scared that, after marinating for so long in my mind, the final photo wouldn’t live up to my expectations, but it’s the precise image I pictured, even better.
And I really should thank all of you who believe in me. After all this time, this photo really means to me what the songs says, and I want to say it to you too: never give up, it’s such a wonderful life.

Frozen

“Cold and risen from the grave,
Hidden years will tell no tales.
Now you seek what only heart can see,
Frozen in so many ways.

Drifting through the light inside,
A lucent image in the dark.
Fickle and dismayed,
Someone cast a shadow
Blurring all the pictures on the pages.

Hide the pieces, I become the sun,
Shining through what became of you.
Early morning, no time to lose,
Chills my heart and I come undone.

Quiet timeless silhouette,
Forgotten fragments of my dreams.
Pleasure and disgust,
Flashbacks out of phase,
Shining golden figure in the background.

Hide the pieces, I become the sun,
Shining through what became of you.
Early morning, no time to lose,
Chills my heart and I come undone.”

[ Frozen – Theatre of Tragedy ]

So, back in the day (like, 2013), I envisioned a sort of trilogy made of this image, Hollow and Illusions, each inspired by their eponymous song from Theatre of Tragedy’s final album, Forever Is The World. Even after years I haven’t figured out why I feel this songs are connected, but bear with me.

While I did Hollow pretty much straightaway, and Illusions had to wait one more year because it gave me a harder time figuring it out, Frozen took me six good years to take. The visual concept was perhaps the easiest to do, as the lyrics provide a plethora of distinct imagery to work with, but I was entirely dependent on weather to take the actual photo. I needed snow because it’s kind of in the title, I needed a monumental cemetery because it’s in the lyrics, the rest follows the lead of the other two photos with a mixing of portraiture and non-portraiture assembled on a hypothetical fashion magazine page.

As you can imagine, snow was the hardest part to work out, to the point it had become something of a running joke: either the winter was particularly warm and I wouldn’t get any at all, or it did snow in Trieste, but only while I was away in Sardinia for whatever reason. Damn, last year we got rain, strong wind, freezing cold, but no snow, until it snowed in freaking March, just the day after I flew to Sardinia to vote on the elections. How is that even possible?

Of course, trying to go and shoot somewhere else with more reliable snowfalls would have been tricky, because I would need to leave on a very short notice, go somewhere reasonably close to still have light to shoot (going farther would require staying the night at some friends’ with no guarantee to still find snow the next day) and, once there, get from the train station to wherever the closest cemetery was on an unknown transport system without even the guarantee that it’d work at all in adverse weather conditions. Also, I’d only have a vague idea of what I’d find at the cemetery, if it would lend itself to photographs, and so on. Basically, all the logistics behind this photo were a nightmare on so many levels, and part of the reason why I didn’t just give up is my friend Katia, who kept me believing that Frozen would happen, eventually.

Finally, this year I got lucky and it snowed the very night of my arrival from Sardinia to Trieste. I had half-given up by the time I went to bed because we were having the faintest snowfall and it looked like it wouldn’t stick, but the next morning my friend Giulia kept ringing me on the phone until I woke up and looked out of the window and I saw it: the snow had stuck! Truth be told, if she hadn’t kept ringing, I would have slept until all the snow had melted and I would have regretted missing this one occasion forever. So I got up, shaved, packed up, hopped on the first bus and there I was, heading for the snow-covered monumental cemetery complex of Trieste.

After some bad luck in the first one I tried (the caretaker caught me immediately and told me I could not take any photos there), I went to the biggest one, got as far away from any personnel as I could, took the snowscape photos, then set up the tripod and voila, Frozen was there! I can’t freaking believe it!

Naturally I had further trouble at home when my external hard drive died on me, but not before I recovered the watercolour title I’d prepared ages ago, so at least I had that silver lining. And at long last, the trilogy is complete!

Of course, I dedicate this to both Katia and Giulia, for believing in me and actively helping me complete the work. I believe true friendship is understanding just how much something means to your loved ones, and going out of your way to help them out!